Beldar reacts to the first 2024 presidential debate

Of all the corn ever grown, popped, and consumed — during the entire 10,000+ years since corn was domesticated in what's now Mexico — no popcorn has ever been consumed with such profound and righteous satisfaction as that served at former Special Counsel Robert K. Hur's house during last night's presidential debate.

Well played, sir. Well played!

*******

Meanwhile, in an alternate, more rational universe parallel to our own:

Associated Press World Newsfeed
URGENT! To all bureaus for immediate release:

BIDEN DROPS OUT!
Post-debate musical chairs shocks & transforms DC, entire world

Dateline: Washington, June 28, 2024 — 3:35PM local

President Joe Biden stunned the White House press corps this afternoon in an unexpected snap press briefing one block from the White House at the Hay-Adams Hotel. Accompanying him on the speaker's platform were Vice President Kamala Harris and Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor. From the President's prepared text, as read by him for video (both simultaneously released for immediate worldwide distribution):

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Today I have four announcements to make.

"First, with the nation's gratitude and respect, I announce the retirement from active to senior status of Madam Justice Sonia Sotomayor — the Wise Latina, whose opinions will live in history as beacons to those who value civil rights and civil liberties — effective immediately upon the confirmation of her successor by the United States Senate.

"Second, I have the privilege and pleasure of announcing that for the seat on the Supreme Court that Justice Sotomayor will be vacating, I am nominating, by letter transmitted to the Senate today, a lawyer whom I have known and worked elbow-to-elbow with in the toughest possible circumstances, and who, as a prosecutor and then a state attorney general, and then a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, has already had a profound impact in securing justice for all Americans — my Vice President, Kamala Harris! Her resignation from the Vice Presidency will become effective upon her confirmation to the Supreme Court, which I call upon the Senate to do at least as promptly as it confirmed Justice Barrett, who was nominated as Justice Ginsburg's replacement even closer to the 2020 election, yet still confirmed before it.

"Third, I today respectfully withdraw my name from the consideration of my Party to be its presidential nominee this November. I hereby unconditionally release all delegates pledged to support me. In August, in Chicago, the Democratic Party will have the first open convention in many decades, at which the torch of leadership will be passed to a new generation — one around whom the entire Party, and all American voters, can rally. They will rally, too, in opposition to my opponent: a convicted felon who's called in writing for the termination of all rules, including the Constitution, that required him to leave office in 2021 after every single one of his court challenges failed.

"And fourth, and finally: When the Democratic Party has picked my replacement as its 2024 presidential nominee, I will on that same day proudly nominate him or her pursuant to section 2 of the Twenty-Fifth Amendment to serve as the replacement Vice President until the next Vice President is inaugurated on January 20, 2025. I shall of course continue my own term as President through that same day, when I will peacefully hand it over to a successor. But thus will first my Party, and then the Congress, and then my Country, have in short order the fullest and fairest opportunity to choose to whom the torch of Executive Branch leadership shall be passed by me and by Madam Justice-nominee Harris. And next year, she can begin polishing an opinion restoring Roe v. Wade, while I, even more happily, can go back to polishing my Corvette.

"It has been the honor of my life to serve my country — in the Senate, in the Vice Presidency, and as the Forty-Sixth President of the United States. But it is likewise my duty to acknowledge that time waits for no one, and that I can now best serve my country's future through the course I've announced today. May God bless you all, and may God bless America."

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