If there's no fire nor even smoke, there's always hot air — Riiiight?

The Associated Press reports that

Bill Cosby will not face charges stemming from a woman's allegation that he fondled her at his suburban mansion after giving her medication that made her woozy, a prosecutor said Thursday.

Authorities found insufficient evidence to support the woman's claims, Montgomery County District Attorney Bruce L. Castor Jr. said in a statement.

But one of Dr. Cosby's hometown newspapers, The Philadelphia Daily News, breathlessly headlines its latest story with "D.A.'s dad aided Cosby's mansion buy":

MONTGOMERY County District Attorney Bruce L. Castor Jr.'s father helped to arrange Bill Cosby's purchase of the mansion where Cosby was accused of drugging and groping a woman, but Castor did not reveal the relationship to the alleged victim or her attorneys.

"Mr. Castor did not disclose that to us or our client," said Dolores Troiani, who, with her partner, Bebe Kivitz, represents the alleged victim....

Joseph F. Lawless, author of the book "Prosecutorial Misconduct," criticized Castor's disclosure to Cosby's attorney and not to the alleged victim's attorney.

"That absolutely speaks volumes about what happened in this investigation," said Lawless. "You draw your own conclusions about what that means."

But before you "draw your own conclusions," you might want to keep reading:

Cosby bought the house on New Second Street in Elkins Park in June 1983, records show. Millionaire philanthrophist F. Eugene Dixon gave Bruce Castor Sr. the power of attorney to handle the sale to Cosby on June 8, 1983, records show. Dixon could not be reached for comment yesterday.

The elder Castor signed the deed on June 23, 1983, records show. The purchase price was $225,000, and the Cosbys paid cash, records show. Dixon and his wife, Helen, paid $275,000 for the home and property when they bought it in 1977, according to records.

Umm-hmmm. Damning stuff, that is! But closely parsed, that mumbo-jumbo about "power of attorney" means that the current DA's father — a distinguished civil probate, trusts, and estates lawyer, now age 75 — represented the seller of the house Dr. Cosby bought. Still, we're supposed to conclude that because the DA's dad represented a party adverse to Dr. Cosby in a noncontroversial real estate transaction twenty-two years ago, the prosecution tanked the current investigation.

As I remember Bill Cosby saying in the great "Noah" sketch from one of his comedy albums that I memorized as a kid and imitated ad nauseum to my friends: "Riiiiiiight!"

Friends and neighbors, if there was any remote, arguable, theoretical, speculative appearance of prosecutorial conflict of interest — "Dammit, Dad always bitched about how that TV star had outsmarted him on that house sale! It nearly drove him to an early grave! Finally, now's my chance to get even!" — it would have disadvantaged Dr. Cosby (not his accuser), and needed to be disclosed to him, if anyone.

But it's clearly a conspiracy! Look at the pattern!

Castor's failure to inform Troiani and Kivitz or their client about his father's role in the purchase of the mansion was just part of the shabby way he treated them, Troiani charged....

Lawless criticized Castor's statement, specifically his comments that "insufficient credible and admissible evidence" exists to prevail in a court of law.

"I think it was a wildly inappropriate statement," Lawless said. "It's tantamount to commenting on the veracity of the complaining witness, in my view. I think his statement is over the top. It's an editorial comment on the integrity of the evidence.

No, sir. It's a prosecutor explaining to the press how he exercised his legitimate discretion — discretion intended in part to prevent criminal charges from being brought against someone whom the prosecution concludes it cannot convict based on "credible and admissible evidence." How would (the aptly named) Mr. Lawless (who as a former prosecutor should know better) have preferred that the prosecutor announce his decision? "Well, we think he's guilty as hell, because he's a big star, after all, but we just can't prove it. Damned rules of evidence and such, that stuff lets the bad guys get away all the time. And lemme tell you about that time he snookered my dad on this house deal ...." Yeah, that would be highly professional.

Final (non)surprise: "Troiani and Kivitz said they likely will file a civil suit against Cosby in the next couple of weeks." Uh-huh. Riiiiiiight!